Gigante Douche: Mitt Romney

By Brandon Tucker

I may not be some K Street insider like some other bloggers at Wise Guys, butI can still get riled up at the circus that is the Presidential elections.

I sure hope this Giant Douche gets buried: Mitt Romney. And it's all because of this ad that I always see during football games on TV:

It's pretty clear what his message is: The reason the Bush Administration is faltering is because they have taken on the values of Democrats - so it's the Democrats' fault for the shape America's wobbly future and demise in global relations is in.

Do voters actually buy this?

I think my rule in who to vote for is becoming simply, who has the least amount of experience in politics - because the longer you're surrounded by these weasels the more you're transformed into a lying, manipulative sneak or a spineless soul who just wants to not get noticed, even if it means curbing his internet child porn habits at least until he's off a government computer.

On a side note, I received an email from a friend who is supporting Barack Obama and sent a mass email asking us to donate to his campaign.

Shit, doesn't he have is own personal Ms. Havisham in Oprah? I think I'm better off serving democracy by spending $20 on two months of NetFlix.

Good South, Bad South

By Brandon Tucker

As a Yankee now living in the South, I am sometimes amazed at how simple and good-intentioned it can be - all the while possessing a naughty undercurrent that can only be explained through its repressive, conservative culture.

These polarizations will be featured in my new series: Good South, Bad South.

GOOD SOUTH: After a recent video shoot at Barbara's Fine Gifts, one elderly employee who we interviewed there was not only the most enthusiastic and genuinely friendly personality we'd spoken with over the two weeks, afterwards she served us snacks and wine. Considering it was the last shoot of a very long day, my actress and I couldn't have been more heart-warmed.

BAD SOUTH: Overheard at Amateur Night at Derriere's, one of several dozen strip clubs in Myrtle Beach the following night:

Naked Amateur Stripper (yells to bouncer): "Hey!! That guy (points to front row) just stuck his finger in my ass!!!"

Bouncer: "You gotta be careful..."

If you like fake mammers, you can’t hate Barry Bonds

By Brandon Tucker

If you have, enjoy or encourage breast implants, you can’t hate steroids and Barry Bonds – the two are really quite similar.

Both HGH and Silicon allow the user to gain an unfair advantage, whether its women in search of more confidence in the workplace and dating scene - or a baseball player in need of hitting strength and faster recuperation.

It’s also not as highly regarded as someone who has similar results doing it the natural way. It’s always a feel good story.

So as Barry Bonds faces scrutiny and potential jail time for simply trying to gain an advantage - it’s safe to say steroids are as rampant in baseball as silicon is at Club Boca – we should recognize that Barry Bonds is not alone, he just benefited most from it, like Pamela Anderson or Jenna Jameson.

Plastic surgery and steroids can also be abused (i.e. cautionary tales Meg Ryan and Chris Benoit).

The only difference I can think of between Barry Bonds' HGH usage and women with fake mammers is that women are extroverted about it. Generally, you don’t have to know one too long before she confirms what you've been thinking to yourself since you first saw her, and many times she will show them to you, even in a crowded bar.

Bonds on the other hand didn’t seem so proud of his steroid intake - so much so he could face jail time for concealing it to the feds (there's another similarity: people will stop at nothing to confirm whether a woman has gotten them done).

Bonds and the rest of the players' cloud of secrecy is probably because steroids are illegal, causes you to attack defenseless women - and makes your balls smaller.

Well, there’s another difference.