No, I’m not referring to a new line of brand-name designer carrying accessories. It’s becoming increasingly apparent to me that in this age of sex tapes and rehab most women my age out there are more often than not fast becoming the arm candy of society’s cretins.
When I mean cretin I mean an individual with all or a varied combination of characteristics including tribal tattooed arms and calves, unkempt facial hair, diamond-studded bling on the ears, a GED, and a penchant for acts of belligerence when drunk. I define the typical douche bag as being the sort of asshole chump who makes assumption prior to facts; a person who can’t think without the aid of propaganda or is still reliving his high school years well into his twentysomething age. This person may also have an aspired but deluded drive towards a career in hip-hop music. Think Po Po Zao himself, Kevin Federline.
I’ve always presumed that most girls tend to gravitate towards the rich, the famous, the career-oriented, or the well-endowed. These are the parameters that the world I grew up with had prescribed. Rationally, it makes sense – you work hard and you’re rewarded for it with “pussy karma.” Donald Trump is a figure sculpted from this mold – the man’s dated, married, fucked, and divorced some of the most beautiful women in their time. As much loathed as his attempts to hide his receding hairline with that odd comb-over is, the Donald has earned the right to get private unpaid handjob sessions from his uber-hot wife, Melania Knauss.
That’s why I’m perplexed, and downright miffed that some gorgeous girls out there are falling for dudes that wear pants five sizes too big for them and wear their New York Yankees cap sideways, or show up at some wannabe nightclub with too much gel in their hair and chest hair. They’re like male porn stars without the porn career, and thus they don’t have an excuse for their trashiness.
What’s a girl’s incentive for dating a guy whose career trajectory will ultimately lead to becoming the senior beer delivery guy? For all I know these douche bags are holding onto a spectacularly powerful dating secret. Why else would they command the affection of any human being despite being utterly repulsive in behavior and appearance?
I think in our modern era – in a post-feminist, post-sexual revolution point in time – women have developed an affinity towards the loser. I don’t think this is a Florence Nightingale reaction; girls aren’t fucking out of pity. Rather, I think it empowers them to be with a male companion whom they have total control and influence over. They are enjoying sexual and social entitlement – something that men were taking advantage for eons.
I went through high school and college as a nerd believing that somewhere at the end of that tunnel a light will come glaring through directing me towards hot pussy. Instead, I’m at that endpoint with a college degree in hand, a burgeoning career, and a nice collection of two hundred dollar Italian-made jeans, and yet while driving by Sunset Boulevard I constantly view beautiful women escorted by douche bags. The view in this light is blinding.
To be honest, I can’t fully understand why so many douche bags are hooking up with the hot chicks. Does their mass appeal stem from them simply being a different breed? Is being a loser suddenly an aphrodisiac? I figure that it must be an extension of the old adage that, “Good girls like bad boys.” I guess we’re witnessing the notion that “Good girls like douche bags.”
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