The future of arranged marriages

I wish America had arranged marriages. We will eventually, but not in my lifetime. Shucks.

Think about how much more pleasant everything would be, knowing at 16, who you would be stuck with the rest of your life. It would allow you ample time to develop a personality that can tolerate the other person – and you won’t face the pressure of locking some chick down before going bald (for women, locking a guy down before the wrinkles come).

Arranged marriages would also save on clothing and you wouldn’t have to buy a nice car or a shiny watch.

At its base, Capitalism is simply founded on trying to score. So America will never have the traditional form of arrangement with the opposite sex. But there will be a futuristic form. It will come full circle.

In 200 years, the world will have arranged marriages, but with pre-selected clones.

Once human cloning becomes a success and is cheap enough to market to the public, outstanding individuals of society (those with excessive beauty or intelligence) will sell their DNA to scientists and make commissions off of it when someone pays for their model to be created.

Considering how technology continues to isolate us from forming meaningful relationships and a sense of community (quick, name three other people who live in your apartment complex) with each passing generation, we will be totally incapable of meeting ordinary people on our own. Other humans will scare us. We will assume the woman living next door is a “tranny” and the mailman molests his poodle.

So being awarded a clone of your choosing will then be a rite of passage. Families will take their teenager to the clone lab, where they will create their perfect mate (Petra Nemcova, but 5’3” for me). Over the next several years while the teen is in college, the clone will grow (in an environment that promotes rapid growth - a clone’s childhood will be accelerated so in 4 years they’ll really be 20).

The Future of Marriage will completely eliminate poor self esteem, disappointment and struggle in the mating game. Everyone will get the perfect significant other, and we can also remain solely focused on our careers, because of course the clone stays home with the kids (That is unless you buy the Steve Jobs clone or the Oprah clone. In that case, you get to stay home while they foster an empire worth billions. They might be too tired to service you at night though – Oprah especially never allocates any time for her minge).