What's your favorite thing about being human?

By Brandon Tucker

What's your favorite thing about being human? For me, it's undoubtedly the fact that we go through our daily life knowing something isn't trying to eat us.

Do you think you could enjoy a night out with friends at a bar, knowing at any point, some giant animal could just rip off the roof and take his pick of any tasty treat? What if you're macking some chick and a giant Man-bear-pig type thing stuck a claw through the window, ripped her face off and started eating her in front of everyone (it probably means she was a little chunky...and Man-bear-pig did you a favor).

I think we all take the fact we're not on the menu for other animals for granted in our daily lives. That's also a selling point for guns. Thanks to gun powder, over the last few generations we've been able to impose an inherent fear into animals that humans mean death. It's bad because sometimes you feel like petting a squirrel and it runs away, but when you try and imagine a life where animals aren't afraid of humans, well it's a lot like the flash-forwards in Terminator 2.

I also think the reason why we've evolved to the top of the food chain isn't because of opposable thumbs but because we're the only species that controls our bowels. Think about it, once you start controlling your bowels is really when capitalism begins, because now the bar is higher. You have to smell good now, look better and buy nice clothes. If we were like monkeys and just relieved ourselves whenever we wanted, life would be much simpler.

On a related note, my least favorite thing about being human is that men have do attract the women, not the other way around. We're really one of the few species in the animal kingdom where the male is the selected and not the selector. Usually, it's the female chasing after the male, who is 'peacocking'.

I think the male lion has pretty much the sweetest gig in the world: you have at least two noble lionesses at your side all the time and worship you. They kill your dinner but let you eat first, and you get to sit in the shade and be lazy all the time.

And you also rarely deal with any predators, aside from poachers, but I'd just go to a national park and I'd be set.