Holy Telemundo – have you ever noticed how all the chicks – be it talk show hosts, news anchors, talk show audiences, soap opera actors, talk show crew members – on the Spanish television channels are insanely hot? Well, maybe not everyone single female, but I think it would be safe for me to make an educated guess at saying that 90 percent of the ladies within any capacity that they appear on those “latin” channels are pretty darn attractive. But why is that? Why is that every night when I come home and perform my daily post-work channel surfing that my thumb comes to a complete halt around channels 14 through 18 – the Telemundo, Univision, et al networks? I want to take “uno momento” to discuss this burning topic.
The Latin channels are arguably the same as their American counterparts in programming except for the fact that, yes, they’re in Spanish. Their programming adheres to the types of shows that are universal – variety shows, talks shows, news, telenovelas, and badly dubbed Stallone movies. The common denominator in Latin television is that every show contains at least one gratuitously hot sex kitten-ish female with long standing legs supporting a buxom torso and a perfectly symmetrical, angelic face. Even commercials constantly featured drop dead gorgeous chicas (I recall watching a cheesy used car dealership commercial and seeing two hot chicks in their bikini’s advertising a ’94 Dodge Minivan once). It’s almost like these ladies are manufactured and shipped out of a factory that specializes in making beautiful women.
An example is the news. I remember surfing and stopping on a news program that featured two gorgeous Latinas with long-flowing hair and low-cut tops. Now, I work in news and am totally aware of the obvious notion that it’s a given requirement to be good-looking and eye-pleasing to be on camera. Superficial, yet true – ugly doesn’t get ratings. So, being cognizant of that I shouldn’t be alarmed to see two hot chicks reading the news at night. Oh, but this was different, a couple of little details different, nevertheless still significant. These two ladies looked like ex-models who have enhanced their chests and have an entire wardrobe consultant crew consisting of Pam Anderson and Tara Reid. As a blatant reminder that these women were hot, the anchor desk was a clear table, and during every commercial break the camera would pull out from the set aerially so that the viewer can be reminded that the anchors were wearing mini-skirts and do in fact shave their long, slender legs. Clearly, I can see where the Fox Business Channel’s hiring department gets their inspiration.
Then of course there are the telenovelas, or Spanish soap operas. They’re just as bad in acting and convoluted in plot as any of the American daytime crap, but with less ugly folks. One would be made to believe that every female on those shows is either an ex-porn star or an old lady. There’s never a representation of a female in-between. I mean, there is no Ugly Betty!
I’ve also observed that on the myriad of variety shows that air, there’s usually the scantily-clad, energetic and exuberant hot chick paired with the old, geeky, chubby, and pervy male. Their relationship feels like a big brother-little sister or uncle-niece dynamic because although the male might make references or oogle at the beauty of the female, he also seems to know that he has no shot at sleeping with her and instead serves as comic relief in trying to attain that lusty goal. It’s quasi-creepy, but it does make for some interesting comedic riffs and – on another level – hope for dorky perverts at every cantina that they would be able to get close to hot chicks.
Much like MTV’s Real World with their recurring character archetypes – the innocent Southern blonde, the angry minority, the homosexual, and the meathead frat boy -- the old ladies in the telenovelas and the unattractive male along with the hot chick are staples of the Latin language channel cast of characters. It makes me wonder whether this unspoken facet of Latin television programming – mainly the hot chick phenomenon – was intentional or just an evolution of sorts. Is it due to the correlation between beauty and on-air talents? Or is it because there are no ugly chicks in Latin Americana?
Perhaps it’s difficult to arrive at a correct answer from my standpoint because there’s only a small cross-section of Latin television programming available here in the States. The three or four or five Spanish channels I have can only adequately portray so much of the Latin culture. Imagine conversely if Latin Americans were sitting at their homes in uh, Latin America, and only received four channels from the States. In that scenario, your average Latin viewer of American television would think America is just full of innocent Southern blondes, angry minorities, homosexuals, and meathead frat boys. And maybe that all Americans like to end up in the hot tub after a heavy night of drinking with strangers.
I highly doubt that in these Latin countries that girls are either really hot Victoria’s Secret model-caliber looking or plain old ladies. And I’m positive that all the old, chubby perverted males aren’t running around with hot chicks on the streets of Rio or the beaches of Cabo. But at least on the Spanish language channels that’s what they lead you to believe. And dammit – I have come to the realization that I’m working at the wrong television network.
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